We talk about how scary going through the process of a CPS case is. We discuss the feelings we had during the last year and a half of our lives. Supervised visits? Talk about someone breathing down your neck! Which is especially horrifying when you know you haven’t done anything wrong. When you can’t even change your child’s diaper without someone standing directly behind you, watching your every movement.. that’s enough to make you feel like the lowest person in the world.
But what happens after?
After the case is won.
When the “congratulations” slowly stop.
When the kids are tucked safely in their beds every night, one room over.
When you get to go back to making snack plates and cleaning up spilled cereal.
I’ll tell you what happens. At least for me. Every. Single. Fall, smashed finger, bump, bruise, or skinned knee, causes an overwhelming amount of fear and paranoia. Enough to make even someone with an iron stomach feel like throwing up.
Every time my children walk into the store with a bruise on their shin I find myself searching the crowd for wandering eyes. Anyone who could possibly notice (while it may be something so small that only I can see) and report it.
Every time there is a knock at my door I am petrified to open it.
Every time I’m at the mall or take the kids to McDonald’s I can point out who is on a supervised visit and my heart aches for those families.
Not a day goes by that I’m not scared.
Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful to have my children home with me.
Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for the families going through what I did.
CPS stole my peace of mind. Because of this system, I can no longer feel 100% at ease in my own life. But the babies are home. And that’s all that really matters in my world.