This subject may not be your favorite but it is a large component of the evils that have inflicted our lives, our security, and our family. When the state steps in to steal our children, they place them in other homes. In order to form a pseudo-family bond, they refer to the guardians as foster “parents.” This clearly shows that the state recognizes the importance of “parents” but wants to be in charge of matching parents to children rather than allowing God and Nature to make this selection.
This leads us to this discussion. Foster parents are NOT parents. They are GUARDIANS! They are essentially over involved babysitters as they do not have legal custody of the children (the state holds this title) but are granted the right and responsibility to perform duties consistent to those expected of a natural parent (more lenient obviously in the eyes of the state) but still relatively consistent as they are expected to meet their basic needs. However, despite all of our reasons for disliking or distrusting foster parents (and there are many), there is also another side to this and being informed will help you to work with all parties (at least cordially) until you have your children home where they belong.
The children need you to be their parents: What? They have parents. They have parents who are at home right now crying, praying, and holding each piece of clothing that they have of their child’s. They do not NEED new parents. Now, there is a chance that these parents need help for various reasons but the children do not need new parents.
When you realize that the state has lied to the foster parents about this, it is easier to understand how they become so overbearing in the case. They may have been fed the same lies that CPS told the judge to remove your children. The department has painted you as a monster and told them that they are now their parents. Of course, as assumed parents, protecting a child from a monster is a number one priority. When this lie is debunked, then the foster parents will begin to see the department for what it is: CORRUPT!
Why they tell it: To rally the foster parents behind their efforts for alienation.
What you can do: Send letters, make calls, try to make the case easier on the foster parents. (We even sent thank you cards and crafts that we made during visits). BITE YOUR TONGUE! You DO NOT NEED MORE ENEMIES!
The parents are against you: Okay, this one may be true on some level but not to the extent that the department makes it out to be. Sure, parents are angry and hurt that someone else is getting to enjoy all of those milestones but our anger and hurt are aimed at a system rather than specifically at the individuals who have been placed as guardians over our children. Yes, we may have ill thoughts about them, but obviously, we know that the system would not return them even if the foster parents were abducted by aliens and carted off to a far away planet (okay, maybe we dwelled on this too much) but the truth is, the family is not out to get the foster parents. The family is out to get their children home. Wherever the children are until this happens, we want them to be safe and cared for. We could do it better, but we would not sabotage their safety to prove this point.
Why they tell it: Divide and conquer. If the foster parents believe that you are going against them, then they will go against you by all means necessary.
What you can do: Do NOT allow this division. Even though you may not want this, you are co-parenting (at best). If you want to get through this, the more parties that see you as a partner rather than an obstacle, the better.
The children will always know you as their family: This one is cruel on so many levels. First of all, it places the foster parents at a place of grief once you finally win your children back (AND YOU WILL!!!). This leads to a great deal of confusion for everyone involved. Foster parents go over the top to make “family memories,” natural parents are left out of a great deal of the children’s activities, the children are shown a “grass is greener” faux lifestyle in the name of making memories for a short duration that will cripple their adjustments to normal life.
Why they tell it: To encourage foster parents to go over the top with the children. For instance, if the foster family goes on expensive vacations then the foster family may look appealing to the child. If the foster family provides things that the natural family cannot afford then the child may begin to believe some of the things that the foster parents and department tell them about you.
What you can do: Make your visits count…I repeat…make your visits count! As I began in the discussion Making the Most of Visitation: When you try to parent a child two hours at a time it may be difficult, but it can be done. You may not be able to include yourself in their outings, but remind your child what is important to THEIR family. On a side note, if you have placed yourself in a good relationship with the foster parents then inclusion may not be out of the question. Otherwise, this relationship may help you to have input on the types of activities that you would like your child to attend or avoid.
We will be here to help you! This one was quite shockingly a complete lie. I assumed that, since the state stole the children, they would be very involved in their upbringing. As it turned out, the state rarely checked on them, returned calls from the foster parents, or gave them information about the case once they convinced them to take in the children. The foster parents had to make several visits and phone calls to verify information and were uncertain about many things that natural parents would know such as the age of a child when they are front facing, schedule of shots, etc.
Why they tell it: To get consent to drop off the children and hold someone else accountable for their well being.
What you can do: USE THIS!!! The foster parents have had children dropped into their home and, although they may have raised children, they have not raised YOUR children. Continuously provide them with information that will not only make their role easier but will also ensure the health and safety of your child. Be a voice to speak up at meetings about how little help they receive.
The foster parents or guardians are as oblivious as to what kind of parent you are as are the judges in these cases. EVEN WHEN THE FOSTER PARENTS ARE FAMILY MEMBERS the lies and corruption of CPS can and will change their view of you. Your job, as a parent, is to bring your children home at all costs. Recognizing why some of the players in the cruel game act the way they do will help you to better prepare yourself and react accordingly. Again, this was our way of getting through this and we came out of the fire holding my grandchildren. It was hard at times because we were angry. We were missing milestones. We were unable to tuck them in at night. But our anger was at the system. Our anger was at the abuser. Our jealousy of their time with the children may have been seen as anger, but in truth, it was far easier to crawl on our bellies than to hold on to any more anger throughout this case. Do what you believe is right in your situation and, if that does not work, try something else. But, no matter what, NEVER GIVE UP!
To save our child, we would all dine with the beasts,
This does not refer to the abusive and neglectful foster parents that we read about. I am talking about those who enter this agreement with the same types of assumptions that most people have about the system as I discussed in 5 Things I thought I knew about CPS!